The Grand Illusion
The title of this blog is also the title of a 1967 film, starring Spencer Tracy, Sidney Poitier, Katharine Hepburn, and Katharine Houghton. The film, which garnered ten Oscar nominations and two Oscar wins, depicts a dinner party at which a white young woman introduces her would-be black fiancé to her parents over a dinner at her parents’ house.
While the film was definitely ground-breaking when it was made and released, times have changed, and, while cross-cultural marriages are far more common and legally accepted (which they were not in 17 states when the film was released), one other aspect of American life has changed even more than that – the very idea of having friends and/or acquaintances over to dinner.
Until 1975, half of Americans said they entertained guests at their home every month, but then Americans stopped, or slowed, having parties. From 1975 to 1998, the share of Americans who gave or attended a monthly dinner party declined by half, down to sixteen percent of families, and the number saying they never entertained people at home tripled. Since 1998, the giving or attending a dinner at someone else’s house has dropped by another twenty percent.
My wife and I have experienced this trend personally. When we first moved to Cedar City, even as comparative newcomers, we were invited to dinner parties, and we had quite a number of parties for others. Over time, that’s changed.
We still give dinner parties for friends, but we’ve noticed that only two other couples that we know regularly host such parties, and we’ve gotten the impression that some people we’ve invited have politely declined. Some gentle investigation has revealed that it’s not just us they’re declining, but that they also aren’t giving dinner parties for anyone.
So, it wasn’t exactly a surprise to read in a recent issue of The Atlantic that this trend is nationwide, and the number of those families/individuals who host dinner parties is continuing to decrease, as are other forms of interpersonal socializing.
Perhaps it’s that throwing a dinner party takes forethought, planning, preparation, and effort, and expense, and most Americans are overscheduled. Or perhaps, as a society, dinner parties are now outdated or passe, but whatever the reason… as a society we could use more dinner parties and less politics.
I don’t do parties, and of course Covid upended everything…but I wonder how much of the lack of *dinner* parties might be caused by diet?
If one guest is diabetic and another has a food allergy and a third has Crohn’s…?
And, of course, as mentioned, politics. If there’s any chance politics might come up, and at least two people have opposite views and feel strongly…
I see three factors to this trend.
One: home size – Growing up, we could regularly host ten or more for occasions (birthdays, New Years etc). There was enough space to have furniture everyone could sit on, and a table large enough that everyone could fit. Not to mention space to park a car or three.
When I moved out, it was to an apartment where I might have been able to host a meal for four (including me), and there was no parking available. I think this is the norm these days.
Two: work schedules. Working retail a decade ago, my schedule was ever-changing (even after the week’s schedule was released, they could change it). Forget being able to make plans more than three or four days in advance! If more an more people are working this way, it makes getting together in larger groups ever more difficult.
Three: the cost of food. Just feeding the family is consistently expensive. When a basket of groceries is in the three digits (mostly eggs and cheese), budgeting to cook a (probably more extravagant) meal for an extra two or more people can put a hole in the finances.
When working in the US in the 1990s I was briefed that Americans rarely invite you into their homes and will prefer to entertain at restaurants.
This turned out to be true but I wonder if it was because the meals would be on expenses 🙂